Why Self-Love Isn't Selfish - When You're Doing It Right
If you’re a high achiever, or you were raised in an environment where people were really critical towards you, or you have past trauma, or you’re someone who has a hard time liking yourself, or you think self-love is really selfish, then keep reading.
Before we explore the concept of self-love, I want to share that I strongly believe we aren’t a body that has a soul - before you freak out, hear me out. We aren't a body that has a soul; we are a soul who has a body. Semantics, I know, but it matters. We are here at this time as a soul who is humaning. In most cases our ego is the one running the show and playing the lead role, but it’s our soul that is the main component of who we really are.
With that said, let’s dive into our topic of self-love.
When we talk about self-love, there’s the ego version and there’s the soul version.
Genuine self-love isn’t about appeasing the ego. It’s about loving yourself from the inside out, from the soul level.
Let’s look at an example to differentiate between ego and soul self-love.
Here’s the ego version: "I’m amazing!!! I’ve done all these really great things, so I’m amazing. (Even though I’m trying to convince myself and you that I’m amazing, deep down I may not really feel that way, but if I say it enough, it will be true.) And you might not think I’m amazing, but it doesn’t matter because I’m more amazing than you." Cringe, right?
Now, the soul version: "Wow, I’m amazing! My life is a miracle. My body is a miracle. I can feel at my very core that I'm amazing, and I am in total awe. And it’s not just me who is amazing - you truly are too!" Do you notice that there’s no convincing; it’s just a deep inner knowing.
Are you seeing the difference between the two?
The ego version of self-love is fragile, loud, hyped, constantly comparing, needing to be proved, competitive, reactive, defensive, restrictive, based on the external, and needing to feel like it’s above others. It is selfish, arrogant, and can be narcissistic. This is not the self-love we’re aiming for.
Whereas the Soul version is internal, soft, quiet, steady, doesn’t need to prove anything, is unconditional, has integrity, and is very expansive. It recognizes that I am not better than you and you are not better than me. There is no better; we just simply are. It’s more feeling-based - that of love, compassion, gratitude, awe, curiosity, and peace.
The ego version of self-love can be seen as selfish. The soul version of self-love is an inherent part of who we are, and we just have to realign with it. Contrary to some popular beliefs, we are actually meant to love ourselves.
Self-love isn’t simply saying or feeling, "I love myself." It’s also self-care; it’s creating and maintaining your boundaries; it’s gently course-correcting your harsh inner critic; it’s taking responsibility without beating yourself up; it's integrating your flaws without the shame; it’s healing your wounds; and it’s strengthening your self-trust. Can you see how self-love is so much more encompassing?
Now, why can self-love be so hard?
We’re going to look at 3 reasons:
#1 Conditioning
As a kid, you were usually praised when you performed and you were accepted when you behaved.
For example, you were celebrated when you get straight A’s or won a competition. but you let people down when you didn’t. If you didn't have awareness, then your sense of worth might have become tied to conditional love.
Then there's how you were accepted when you behaved, yet were rejected when you didn’t. Subconsciously, that could lead you to think that you had to act a certain way to be loved.
Add to that the societal/religious conditioning of you have to put others first, that love = self-sacrifice, or that you must be humble. You know what? You can be humble, and you can love others and serve others without negating or turning your back on yourself.
# 2 The Inner Critic
Let's be honest, our inner critic can be a real jerk, but along with our ego, it's a part of our survival operating system. It thinks it’s protecting us when it makes us feel like crap and holds us back. Some of the sabotaging beliefs backing it up can include:
If I criticize myself first, no one else can hurt me as much.
If I’m hard on myself, then I’ll improve and be better.
If I shrink then I won’t be rejected for being “too much.”
The inner critic incorrectly believes that if it can convince you as to why you’re not lovable, it can keep you from getting hurt. Not only is that highly contradictory, it simply isn’t true.
While none of these beliefs serve you, they can keep you from loving yourself.
# 3 Shame
If we build our identity around shame, and we’re often not even aware we’re doing that, then self-love feels really uncomfortable because it contradicts our shame identity. Self-love goes against the construct of shame because shame keeps you small, it keeps you disconnected from yourself, it separates you from others, and it can make you feel unworthy of love. Self-love is actually an antidote to shame.
Then there are those who will try to shame you for applying self-love. It can be due to their own insecurities, false beliefs, or attempts at manipulation. Listen to your heart, not others' opinions.
Genuine self-love is far from being selfish. If you're dealing with conditioning, resistance from the inner critic, or shame, it can feel challenging or uncomfortable. The good news is, you can begin to work with it. You are most deserving and worthy of your own love. When you practice genuine self-love, you're not only connecting with your body and soul, but you're also course-correcting your old beliefs, your inner critic, and even your ego.
If you would like to take some very simple action steps to begin to align yourself to self-love, I invite you to sign up for the 5-day free challenge I’m running called The Self-Love Alignment Challenge. In just a few minutes a day, you can access greater self-trust, self-care, and self-love.
You don't need anyone's permission to love yourself, so why wait?
Heart Hugs, Adrienne
