You Deserve the Same Care You Give Everyone Else: The Self-Love Wake-Up Call Many Women Need

For a long time I held the belief that self-love is selfish, and for a long time, I really didn’t like myself very much. Loving myself was ridiculously hard; finding fault with myself was tremendously easy. It was bad enough that I fell into the trap of “If I can’t love myself, how can others love me?” but I also became a people-pleaser, and my health and well-being suffered because of it.

As women, society tells us we have to look after everyone else first and put ourselves last. But then we burn out, and when we do, we criticize ourselves for not being stronger, and we feel guilty if we rest. It’s a catch-22 where we’re expected to burn the candle at both ends but still continue to give and give and give.

Then we have social media portraying self-love as luxurious self-care rituals. Yes, a bubble bath can be relaxing and enjoyable, but it’s only one facet of taking care of yourself. Self-love is more than pampering; it’s about confronting your negative self-talk, setting and maintaining your boundaries, and leaving unhealthy situations.

Another misconception is we believe we’ll finally be able to love ourselves once we lose the weight, find the right partner, become more successful, become more intelligent, change physical features we don’t like about ourselves, or when we are no longer “too much” or “too emotional.” That’s basing self-love on conditions and then putting it out into the future and leaving it there. Self-love includes loving and having compassion for all of the parts of us right now.

Then there’s the myth that self-love means always putting yourself first and being selfish. That’s not what self-love is. It isn’t about ignoring others’ needs; it’s recognizing that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. It’s not all about you, it’s about balance. The idea that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s might feel uncomfortable since society expects women to be self-sacrificing.

Let’s think about this: generally the woman is seen as the glue of the family. Granted, it’s not in all cases, but usually it’s the woman who manages the household, from laundry, cooking, and cleaning to child-rearing and/or taking care of aging parents. She takes on the role of manager, driver, nurse, psychologist, and mediator. She oversees everyone’s schedules and looks after their emotional needs, health, and well-being, all while possibly working a job herself.

It’s no wonder that this woman gets tired - but then feels guilty for resting. She snaps at her loved ones because she feels depleted or on edge and then beats herself up for it. This is the deplete and beat cycle - when you give without taking care of yourself, you become depleted, and then you beat yourself up for not being stronger. Whether conscious of it or not, society has taught us that a woman’s worth lies in how well she cares for others, which makes it difficult to believe that she deserves the same care herself.

If you find that you are constantly putting yourself last, feel guilty for resting, seek validation from others, have difficulty setting boundaries, apologize excessively, feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness, overcommit, are hard on yourself when you make mistakes, struggle to accept compliments, stay in unhealthy relationships too long, constantly compare yourself to other women, or have negative self-talk, then it’s time to take a serious look at self-love.

Self-love is about compassion, not perfection, and it is a daily practice, not a once-in-a-while pampering session. When you incorporate self-love, you will begin to see positive effects not only in your own confidence, inner trust, and emotional and mental health, but also in your relationships with others.

So where do you start? It can be as simple as allowing yourself to take a break and rest, to say no to a “should,” or to wrap yourself in a self-hug. I created an easy, free 5-day challenge that guides you through a simple step each day to align with self-love. You can sign up for that by clicking here.

If you want to take a deeper dive into the foundations of self-love, there’s The Self-Love Reset. In this program, you will learn how to audit your inner voice, shift your “shoulds” into empowering choices, replace self-criticism, set your boundaries without guilt, create a toolkit of acts of self-love (especially great for the hard days), as well as create your own self-love manifesto that keeps you moving forward. Click here to find out more.

If you happen to be thinking, “She’s just trying to sell me stuff,” know that my passion lies in empowering women. We have a lot to offer this world, and we are the ones capable of creating the change that is so desperately needed. It all starts with inner work, changing your inner world first. It took me a long time to move from self-deprecation to self-love, as I had to figure it out on my own. I don’t want that for other women; I don’t want that for you. I want to help women move into self-love and empowerment in weeks, not years, which is why I created those programs.

I’ll wrap up with this: self-love isn’t something you earn by fixing your flaws or becoming a perfect version of yourself. It begins the moment you stop believing that you have to be less, do more, or sacrifice yourself to be worthy of care. The truth is, you deserve the same compassion, patience, and understanding that you give to others.

If this article sparked even a small shift in how you perceive self-love, let that be the beginning. Start choosing yourself in small ways because your needs, your voice, and your wellbeing - they matter too.

Heart Hugs,

Adrienne